drinking again

yesterday i had a little excursion.
i had to go to wolverhampton with work for a training day which should mean that i fianlly should get my pay rise (soon!).
so u p at 6:30 a.m. (unusual for me) and on the train with milly, we would meet sarah at the station in wolves.
it was a lot less boring than i had expected and had therfore prepared for. there was only us 3 2 guys from nando's derby and the alesha running the course. we got finished early. and so went to the pub. i didn't want to go, i had expressed that, but that didn't matter (which i completely understood). going to the pub after such a day was to be expected.
but it was my first time in a pub since i stopped drinking 2 weeks ago.
i didn't enjoy it, or my J20. as i sat waiting for the time for us to go and get the train. that time came, but the others did not seem interested in whether we caught the train or not. they took ages saying goodbye and swapping numbers and e-mail addresses, like we would ever "meet up for a drink sometime". i grew impatient and set off to get the train, only to arrive seeing it leave the platform, fucking brilliant. i was stuck in wolverhampton for even longer, and instead of arriving back home at about 5:30 i wasn't getting home 'til after 9. brilliant! and i needed a drink.
of course, i had not stopped smoking pot in this time. and to a certain extent it had simply replaced the beer.
but there had been 2 days that i had not smoked (ganj) or drank. those 2 nights i did not sleep a wink, despite the nytol.
maybe if i had been able to get some weed last night i would not have had to drink. but i could not.

i was buzzing, and not in a good way. i could not settle down and was getting annoyed at everything, shouting at the computer at the tv, at my flatmate, whomever or whichever was closest.
i don't know what is going on with my body or mind.
so i drank. i went to the off license and got 6 carlsberg export - that would definitely see me through the night, and tomorrow...i did not care about. i did not care that i might be making a mistake.
i don't know what is a mistake and what is not anymore. for 2 weeks it had felt like abstaining from alcohol consumption was a mistake.

so what about the morning after.

well there was no morning, i woke up at around 3:30 and got up at 4. i don't have to work today, or tomorrow - very lucky. i am in an equally shite mood now.

and i don't know what to do.

i am close to losing my temper in a big way...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!

i have got some weed coming now, and then i may go to max and jiggy's place. and smoke and drink there.

i feel a bit likke crying, but it is something i just can't do anymore, i have cried so much in the kast few months. it does nothing, you are still in exactly the same situation, but with a blotchy face.
in fact, the last few times i have started to cry it has been about 3 seconds of sobbing adn then it stops and i don't know what to do

getting started

just so's ya know, this is for my sake, not yours, but i will always welcome comments and feedback, whether positive or negative because, as you may soon realise, i am really quite lonely. expect a stream of consciousness.

i'm starting this blog in an effort to get off my chest the things that i feel i cannot tell anyone who knows me. i have an awful lot of negative feeling sometimes and i need ta get it out.

in fact, i'm not so bad just now, it's half six in the morning, i start work at 10 and have not had any sleep tonight. this is common since i stopped drinking. i would consider phoning in sick, but i did that yesterday and i'm not sure that my boss would be too keen on me doing it again.

i gave the genuine reason why i couldn't work yesterday and i went down ok, i think. my boss has been very understanding with me at times, i have been late on more than one occassion.

honesty is a policy that i always seem to embrace, probably for the worst (definitely at times). but fuck, sometimes ya gotta be honest, like when i had ta phone in sick from hospital because i had taken an overdose the previous night. that will kinda let ya boss know that you suffer from depression and things ain't very good at the moment.

anyway, what i am doing now is not how i wanted this blog to go. i am trying to give too much info at once disabling me from going into detail. and that is something that i need to do. i want people to understand what is going on in my head (or at least ta feel like that is what is happening). fuck! let's face it, that is why i took the overdose too. a classic 'cry for help'. but that has connotations that i will delve into at another time

so that is a taster of how i will be writing, random bits of feeling when i feel like it. going for a shower and a pepsi now. i expect i'll be back before i go to work...