drinking again

yesterday i had a little excursion.
i had to go to wolverhampton with work for a training day which should mean that i fianlly should get my pay rise (soon!).
so u p at 6:30 a.m. (unusual for me) and on the train with milly, we would meet sarah at the station in wolves.
it was a lot less boring than i had expected and had therfore prepared for. there was only us 3 2 guys from nando's derby and the alesha running the course. we got finished early. and so went to the pub. i didn't want to go, i had expressed that, but that didn't matter (which i completely understood). going to the pub after such a day was to be expected.
but it was my first time in a pub since i stopped drinking 2 weeks ago.
i didn't enjoy it, or my J20. as i sat waiting for the time for us to go and get the train. that time came, but the others did not seem interested in whether we caught the train or not. they took ages saying goodbye and swapping numbers and e-mail addresses, like we would ever "meet up for a drink sometime". i grew impatient and set off to get the train, only to arrive seeing it leave the platform, fucking brilliant. i was stuck in wolverhampton for even longer, and instead of arriving back home at about 5:30 i wasn't getting home 'til after 9. brilliant! and i needed a drink.
of course, i had not stopped smoking pot in this time. and to a certain extent it had simply replaced the beer.
but there had been 2 days that i had not smoked (ganj) or drank. those 2 nights i did not sleep a wink, despite the nytol.
maybe if i had been able to get some weed last night i would not have had to drink. but i could not.

i was buzzing, and not in a good way. i could not settle down and was getting annoyed at everything, shouting at the computer at the tv, at my flatmate, whomever or whichever was closest.
i don't know what is going on with my body or mind.
so i drank. i went to the off license and got 6 carlsberg export - that would definitely see me through the night, and tomorrow...i did not care about. i did not care that i might be making a mistake.
i don't know what is a mistake and what is not anymore. for 2 weeks it had felt like abstaining from alcohol consumption was a mistake.

so what about the morning after.

well there was no morning, i woke up at around 3:30 and got up at 4. i don't have to work today, or tomorrow - very lucky. i am in an equally shite mood now.

and i don't know what to do.

i am close to losing my temper in a big way...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!

i have got some weed coming now, and then i may go to max and jiggy's place. and smoke and drink there.

i feel a bit likke crying, but it is something i just can't do anymore, i have cried so much in the kast few months. it does nothing, you are still in exactly the same situation, but with a blotchy face.
in fact, the last few times i have started to cry it has been about 3 seconds of sobbing adn then it stops and i don't know what to do